Chivalry

funny thing is I mean for this to be a positive thing that is also a teaching tool and it seems to do nothing but piss off a lot of women. Irony?

Ladies, I realize it probably isn’t your fault that you may be caught by surprise when someone tries to help you with your coat. I know it might be a shocker that in this age of remote door locks that someone would take the time to get to your door in time to open it for you, even in a blustery, snow filled wind. It seems that women have grown to accept that their husband, boyfriend or date will go through an entrance before them and let the door close in your face. I get it, your expectations have lessened. However, with that said: ‘chivalry is not dead’ – and I’m not the only one that practices the disappearing art of basic manners. There are still a few males and females that are not so completely self-absorbed that they can’t be generous with graciousness.

With that I have a few pointers for the women that haven’t had too many experiences being treated like a lady.

1. When I hold the entrance (or exit) door open please don’t scoff, look offended and have a disgusted look on your face. I know you are capable of opening a door. You were near and I’m trying to be polite. I won’t rip your purse off of your shoulder as you go through the door.

2. When I help you with your coat or jacket, please don’t throw your arms up around your shoulder. This makes putting on your coat very difficult and it becomes some kind of twisted game. Both of your hands go behind you near your buttocks – as if you are getting ready for flight like you are a jet. Your hands go into the arm holes. I will slide your garment up your arms towards your shoulders simultaneously as you slowly bring your arms forward. If we are on very familiar terms I may help you with your hair so it is pulled outside of your overcoat so that it doesn’t pull on your hair.

3. If we are being seated at a table I will pull the chair out for you. Please don’t look at me like I am Curly from the 3 Stooges. It serves me no good purpose to have you end up on your backside on the floor. When you sit down in the chair would you please help me out a little as we slide the chair forward towards the table? Now don’t be surprised that if you leave the table upon your return I may rise out of my seat and repeat the process.

4. I will help you with carrying items that may be awkward; however I am not your purse. If you have a reapply lipstick habit, I will not be reaching into my pocket all night long. However I won’t mind holding on to your ID card for you. Please help remember that I have it though when the night is over so that it may be returned to you.

5. I won’t make you wait for me. I will arrive on time or slightly early. If there is any deviation in the plan I will contact you as soon as possible. Technology has made this easier so there should be no confusion. Please don’t have me sitting out in the car or in your living room with a bunch of strangers waiting. I appreciate you getting all dolled up but I will have no idea that hair number 2354 is out of place.

6. When I say “you look nice” a simple thank you is sufficient. I probably won’t believe that whatever you are wearing is ‘some old thing you just threw on’. Unless you truly look like you just did throw some old thing on.

7. I will try at least three times to communicate with you. I understand people are busy. I am too. Life is like baseball, if I don’t hear back from you or I feel a blow off after three attempts I will consider it a strikeout and I’ll do you the favor of losing your numbers, E-mail addresses, book of face invite and will stop following you on Twitter.

8. I will walk on the outside of the sidewalk (roadside) so that if a car splashes water, slush or other such nastiness hopefully I will block the muck so you don’t get splattered.

9. I will open the car door for you. If you can make sure that you are “all in” in a reasonable amount of time that would be greatly appreciated. It might be dark out and I might not see something is amiss. If there is any trouble please communicate that to me. This means knees, feet, coats, coat belts, purses, fingers, etc. AND it would be awesome if you would look to see if my car door is unlocked. There is an awesome scene in the movie The Bronx Tale that you may enjoy seeing. I’ve made a very strong decision about a woman that didn’t unlock the car door for me, based on that fact. I realize most cars have automatic locks but there may be extenuating circumstances at times.

10. I will say yes ma’am and no ma’am. It is a sign of respect and in no way a reference to how old you “feel”. Please don’t retort by saying “I’d rather have you call me a bitch.” If you do something of that nature I won’t call you at all.

You are woman. You are a gift. You are the giver of life – that should be revered. These are just a few reasons why I still practice chivalry. Also, my mother drilled it into my head when I was young and her voice is significantly louder now that she is dead. Please, don’t force me to disappoint my mother as she watches over me. She would want me to associate with people that have a higher standard than acting like someone that doesn’t deserve to have her door held for her.
Thank you for your time.

Blockers

I had some errands to run while I was at work. Usually I park in an end space. I purposefully park far away from the other space because I have room on the far side of me where there isn't a space. So why is it when I go to my car some numbnut has parked their big ol' Chevy truck nearly on top of my car so that I have to squeeze my skinny brown butt through my door that I can barely open? Hey Forest, learn how to drive. Better yet, at least getting parking down before going out on the road!
I get to another parking lot and I choose to park in the far end of the lot next to an island that has a lamp post on it. I slid up real close to the island even though there isn't another car for many spaces. What do I see when I return? Another car all saddled up next to me. Are there people out there that get off on parking close to those that are trying to cut down on parking lot dings? I didn't ask to play this game.
I return to work and try to enter the parking lot. I must admit I was just as confused as I was stunned in that I could not understand why a bus would park in a lane in front of the parking lot entrance blocking any chance of slidding into the lot. That's okay, I'll wait.
When did people just stop caring about maybe someone else might have somewhere to go too?

Your eyes may shine; your teeth may grit...

I’ve never been to prison. I’ve never spent a long stint in jail. I’ve never been in a position where I was starving. I’ve had times in my life when my cabinets were almost bare but have always managed to get at least a couple of meager meals in a day. So I can’t tell you where protecting my food comes from. I don’t like to share. Maybe it is a germ factor. I don’t like it when others put their spit filled fork on to my plate. I figure if I’m not in a kissing relationship with you I don’t want to use food as a cootie sharing medium.

There is another reason I don’t like to ‘share’. It seems I’m usually the guy with the goodies that others want but it is extremely rare that it works in reverse. I should not have to be the one doing all of the giving.

As I got older I thought maybe I was a bit too one sided on the matter. Maybe I was being a little greedy. Maybe there can be a healthy food sharing give and take. I have learned otherwise. For example I like candy. To my doctor’s chagrin, the more sugar the better, the more ‘high fructose corn syrup’ it has the more I enjoy the sweet stuff. Then it happens, I get the ‘what are you eating’ question. My palms get sweaty. I begin to have shortness of breath. I think to myself this person has never shared anything with me and the only vice they seem to have in public is smoking and drinking alcohol. I don’t do either. My heart rate begins to increase as I come to the conclusion that this is not going to be the beginning of a give and take relationship. Or more to accurately it is going to be me doing all the giving and the other person doing the taking. Most of the time I find it is easier just to concede give up my some of my sweet booty (like pirates' treasure not derriere).

I’ve had people just take before. I had a roommate empty a bottle of Chivas scotch I received as a gift that I was saving for a special occasion. He drank it and put the empty bottle back into the box it came in. He was gone, the special occasion arose and I went to celebrate with the scotch and it was gone.

Years later I decided to give sharing another chance. I am now able to offer a bite of my meal. Ya know, out to dinner with friends and someone asks if they can taste the delicious delectable that is before me. Then my nightmare became a reality. I was at work. I ordered myself some dinner. For whatever reason, I was deliriously hungry. I just wanted something to take the edge off, make the headache go away so I could finish my job, get home, eat, relax and go to bed. A co-worker saw my food. She said she hadn’t eaten all day. I told her then she should order something. Her expression changed to a blank stare for a moment, she asked if she could she have a bite. I reluctantly gave a positive nod. I’ll be damned if she didn’t start shoveling the food into her mouth. With her mandibles grinding, she mutters that she is so hungry that she could eat it all. I was in shock as I watched her masticate my food as if it were her own. From that point on in my mind our friendship will be forever marred.

So if you ever see me guarding my food as if I am protecting it from wild animals – I am. Human heifers have hampered my ability to be a gracious food sharer. My momma used to say: Your eyes may shine, your teeth may grit but none of my food are you gonna get.

Checking out...

I know it was not an afterthought for you to end up in the grocery store. There is no way you just happen to be in the store and filled up a cart. I know you made a decision to make this trip to this shopping destination. As you peruse the checkout area looking for the shortest line we both end up walking towards the same register, you with your overloaded cart and me with my three or four items. You pretend you don’t see me as you nudge you way in front of me. If it were reversed I would have let you go ahead of me. Fine, I’ll wait. You tap your toe as you look around impatiently. You unload most of your items onto the belt and have to wait again. My arms are getting tired. You look annoyed that you have to be there. I just want somewhere to set my stuff, thinking maybe I should have gotten a cart. You finally have enough room to empty the rest of the items from your cart. Now there is room for me to put my items at least on the edge of the conveyor belt but you have made your stance made it clear that you do not want your personal space encroached on. We wait some more. Items begin to inch forward and I force the issue by stepping around your cart and placing my items on what little belt real estate there is. There is a divider between our items, but barely noticeable. You glance at me sideways with an annoyed look on your face. I agree with you, I should have gotten a cart. You look at your watch as if you have somewhere to be, ten minutes ago. Your chin is slightly raised as you glance around the store making sure you do not make eye contact with anyone. You watch intently as the cashier scans your items.
Then the unthinkable happens. The cashier finishes scanning your items and gives you a total for your wares. You pause. Then you reach for your purse. You begin shifting through your own personal black hole of goodies. You pull out a large wallet and open it glancing occasionally at the total on the cash register. You slowly open your wallet and begin thumbing through your check book. I feel the rage build within me starting at my core as I come to the realization that after all this time you spent impatiently waiting you are just now beginning to fill out the information on your check. You could not have done this while you were at home while you were making out your grocery list? You could not have pulled out your checks while you were rudely blocking me from putting down my items? You couldn't have at least put the name of the store on the check. Fine, I get it, you don’t want to sign a blank check and take a chance on having your purse stolen. I am completely dumbfounded and enraged that you are so completely self absorbed that you could not have saved us all a few moments of time as the cashier, me, and the persons behind me have to stall our lives as we are forced to wait for you to take your sweet time filling out the check when up until that point your acted like you were in a huge hurry and would rather had been anywhere but in line at the grocery store. Hey, thanks for being such an annoying, self-centered, knob of a human being as we all adhere to your time frame. Oh yeah, don’t forget to saunter diagonally across the parking lot so that people are forced to wait for you to zigzag your way to your vehicle. It’s all about you, don’t mind us.

Left on red is legal in Michigan

Apparently ignorance is abundant about a simple basic driving freedom that very few people seem to be aware of. Once I am calm I have no idea as to where I should direct my extreme annoyance. The deal is, in Michigan you are allowed to turn left on to a one way street when the light is red unless otherwise posted. This is basically the same as making a right on red – unless otherwise posted. Simple concept to understand, isn’t it? Oh nooooo. I have had arguments with people about this. I have been told that I am absolutely wrong but when I retort with ‘how do you know’ the person is usually struck silent. Fine, maybe my lesson to learn is patience as I wait for the driver in front of me to not turn once traffic clears. At a green light I wait as they try to decide whether or not they have enough space to make it through. And of course there are several times I think they have plenty of room and they still don’t complete the turn. And then they finally rush through after the traffic light turns red. Midwest one word phrase for ‘are you an idiot’ – REALLY?
This road whore takes the whole no turning left on red to a whole new level. On Kalamazoo heading east towards East Lansing there are two one way roads on either side of the 127 bridge. There is a light at S. Howard. This driver saw someone he knew that was in the westbound lane on Kalamazoo, stopped his car in the intersection – I was stopped underneath the traffic signal behind him, he smiled like the Cheshire cat and bobbled his head like a fool until I gently pressed my horn as if I were trying to communicate with the Edmund Fitzgerald. I followed him into the left turn lane to proceed on to S. Homer. As he idly sauntered on, the light was green, then we got the green arrow but apparently he was still excited about whomever he saw in the car that was going in the opposite direction that he failed to proceed. If anyone would have been able to hear me go off on my tirade of rage, they would have been fearful for the life of the person in front of me. If I were to begin to recite the words that were coming out of my mouth, this essay would take a dark turn and lose any flavor of humor it may have thus far. Not turning on red is one thing but to not proceed when you have a bright green arrow letting you know that it is your turn makes me wonder if it should be more difficult to receive a driver’s license.
So if you don’t know you can turn left on red unless otherwise posted could you at least remember to not stop in the middle of the damn road to smile at someone, and green means go. Gas is that long pedal on the right.

The monopolies won't let me buy music even if I wanted to.

Hey Warner Music Group, how about loosening the reigns on your catalog so that the music can be heard? More than that, so that I can go to the damn music store and purchase - yes BUY WITH CASH MONEY - some sheet music so that I may appreciate and pay homage to some of the songs that I love. Not asking for a hand out, just a hand up you greedy, simple minded, money grubbing, multi-media conglomerate, monopolizing stuffed suits. I get it - you don't want me to listen to Purple Rain on youtube. Fine! I get it you want to fill us with bull that you are doing it for the sake of ownership and protecting the artists rights. Lick my mocha fingers. Here is what I'm going to do. I will learn them without your help. I will find a way without paying you one red Lincoln. Then I will produce my own original works of art and allow the people the opportunity to share in the beauty of musical creation. Along the way I may just retain some fans and make a dollar. However, at this point money is not my motivator.
I remember the days when an album was worth purchasing. That's right, I said ALBUM. I could listen to the whole thing, appreciate and probably like almost all of the songs. What are you offering me now, one or two singles and a bunch of throw-away tracks? Why even bother with that?
I spent one solid afternoon going to music stores, looking online and talking to people so that I could find one song. Apparently WMG does not want to see me laughing in the purple rain. You've got to be kidding me. I bought the album. I bought the CD. I bought the compilation CDs. I bought the artists re-done, re-mastered tracks so that WMG doesn't get revenue. Yes, gone to the store and paid for... Now you are showing me that you dammed up the river. I guess it doesn't matter you are shooting yourself in the foot. There is no sense in trying to share with a young person the music that I love in the format they (the young ones) want to see it in. You want more control on your catalog. Fine. Keep it. I'll take what I have and be satisfied with that. I'll be glad to keep my money in my pocket. There is a limit. There is a line - you crossed it and I've had it. I'll make my own damn Purple Rain. 33 1/3 baby, 33 1/3.

Jay Walking

I am a fan of jay-walking. I don't mind it when someone decides that they don't want to wait for a proper crosswalk to make it to their destination. I don't see any harm in it if a person is not putting themselves or others in danger. In danger, meaning not walking in front of a four thousand pound pile of moving explosive metal, glass, plastic, rubber, and upholstery. For some reason the corner of South Washington Ave. and Kalamazoo street in downtown Lansing, Michigan seems to be where self-centered, egomaniac, dare devil, Terminator types that seem to haphazardly dash out into the road like drunken Frogger. What would compel someone to step out in front a car that as their lane has been given the go ahead with the green light and the pedestrian as the red light? What makes matters worse is that these walking wonders seem to have not a care in the world as they nonchalantly, casually make their way through crosstown traffic. Hey blithering butt munches, get out of the damn way, thank you.

Shopping Cart

I was at a grocery store. I was in a good mood until I realized it was Saturday afternoon. The parking lot was full. I only needed a few things so I figured it wouldn't be that big of a deal to get what I wanted and get out. Smiling, I grabbed a cart and proceeded on my haphazard yet purposeful search for dinner the next day. What? A a man planning ahead? It can happen. I turn the corner expertly guiding my cart only to almost crash. A woman ahead of me had parked her cart in the middle of the aisle. No, not slightly to the side so that I could get through. Her damn cart was smack dab in the middle of the aisle. She stepped to the left, keeping her hand on the cart and as she did it pushed the cart slightly to the right as she discussed some item with her friend (girlfriend? / partner? no matter) Oh, pardon me LADY? Apparently you are the only one that wants to scoot around the story and there is no possibility of someone being behind you trying to get through. Go ahead, take your time. Ignore my quiet polite pardon me(s). Oh sure, give me a strange look as I'm moving your cart out of my way so that I can get through.

AND THEN

as I'm trying to leave I get behind a cart train. A person pushing an empty cart, with another person pushing an empty cart behind that one but slightly off to the side, with a third person in a wheelchair cart doohicky slightly to the left of the other two. Yes, I was following a very slow moving empty crooked cart train. I left my bad mood at the door. Ugh.

Note to self, remember to shop very early or very late.

turn signals

Did I miss something at the Secretary of State the last time I took the test to get my driver's license renewed? Was there a memo that said drivers no longer have to use turn signals? Apparently the thing to do now is begin to change lanes, turn on the signal, look, hear a horn, look, and swerve back into your original lane, over compensate and almost take out two or three cars in the process.

People are driving me crazy. Pun intended. This will continue every time I find myself wanting to go to the roof and, oh wait am I telling too much?